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Thursday, September 13, 2012

I Feel Bad About My Neck

Nora Ephron wrote a collection of essays and entitled them "I feel bad about my neck".  After reading the essay which corresponded with the title, I was spurred to do a self examination of my own neck.  I actually feel good about my neck...it's quite lovely in fact.  It's everything south that gives me pause.

Let's begin with my breasts.  Yes, I know we don't use that word in polite company but I know I am among friends here.  In a perfect world, I would be a cup size larger with ample cleavage ---not so much that I stop traffic but a few head turns on a regular basis would be nice.  Moving right along, there's the abdomen----the core of my problems (core---get it??).  My belly is the bane of my existence----I am tired of being shaped like an inverted light bulb.  And my thighs run a distant second in problematic body parts.

Speaking of running, the other day I was with my 12 year old nephew (great nephew actually).  He challenged me to see who could make it to the car first.  Knowing I am the most out of shape I have ever been in my life should have made me promptly respectfully decline the invitation, but pride (or stupidity) caused me to take the bait.  As I ran, I noticed that I was being cheered on with a very quiet but noticeable applause.  "Gee, that's nice" I thought, as I kept running.  I figured it was someone with an adolescent twerp in their own family that always wanted to show them up.   I didn't stop to look, though, because I didn't want to lose any ground.  I make it to the car (almost simultaneous with my nephew, thank you very much).  I noticed that the applause I was hearing stopped immediately when I stopped moving, as if it were in sync with my body.  I run a couple of more car lengths to test a theory I was formulating in my mind.  Sure enough, I move----applause.  I stop, applause stops.  What I thought was a kindred spirit sympathizing with me was actually my belly flopping up and down and my thighs slapping together side by side! OMG---this is what life has come to---I have unwittingly become my own cheering squad.

So, I repeat:  I don't feel bad about my neck, but the things below it give me pause.

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